“It’s definitely a boy!”
These are the words the ultrasound technician confidently said as my husband and I looked at each other, eyes wide. I was 19 weeks pregnant with our first child and had been counting down the days until our anatomy scan. Of course, I wanted what all parents want – a healthy baby. So, I felt relieved when the doctor assured us everything looked good. But deep down, I also felt a growing sense of fear inside of me at the thought of raising a son.
I grew up with a sister and mostly girl cousins and friends. So, when I learned I was pregnant in August of 2021, my mind jumped to tea parties and bows, Disney princesses and braids. I clung to this image because, even though motherhood was going to be a new journey for me, the thought of raising a girl made it feel a little less unknown.
But that day, in that tiny room, with cold gel on my growing belly and my husband’s hand tight in mine, I felt those dreams come crashing down. And the excitement I had felt was quickly replaced with fear.
I was scared I wouldn’t be able to bond with him or understand him. That I wouldn’t know how to connect with him and his interests. That my anxiety wouldn’t be able to handle the rambunctiousness and energy everyone told me would come with a boy. That I wouldn’t be a good #boymom, like the moms on social media who seem to have it all together.
As I sat in his nursery that afternoon, I felt like I was already failing him because I was beholden to expectations I didn’t even realize I had. As I began to say these fears out loud in the quiet of his sky-blue room, I realized they all centered around my abilities. My ability to love. To nurture. To bond. To connect. To relate. My reaction exposed the fact that I was already trying to rely on my own strength to raise this child.
When something feels new and scary, our default is often to try to control whatever we can about the situation. With motherhood, I was realizing that was impossible. This new chapter was forcing me to loosen my grip on control and on the expectations I built up in my mind and instead surrender them back to God.
Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to trust God with our whole heart and lean not on our own understanding. Though there was much I didn’t understand about motherhood, and still don’t, I felt God gently reminding me that day that I didn’t have to understand everything about motherhood to be a good mother. It was okay that I had no idea what to expect because I didn’t have to lean on my own understanding or my own ability—I just had to lean on him. That would be enough, for my son and for me.
Whether it’s motherhood or something else, I imagine we all have areas in our lives where we’re hung up on expectations we didn’t even realize we had. They might be expectations of others, yourself, or how a particular situation will turn out. But I’ve found there is a difference between expectations and expectancy.
Expectations steal gifts because we get caught up in what isn’t instead of what is. Expectancy eagerly welcomes gifts. Expectations require our own strength to make them come to fruition. Expectancy surrenders our weakness to God, knowing he will show up time and time again in our moment of need. Expectations lead us to cling tightly to the dreams we’ve come up with for ourselves. Expectancy trusts God has a plan for our lives far greater than anything we can imagine.
It sounds contradictory, but we can live expectantly and free of expectation at the same time. When we live expectantly, we are willing to surrender our own expectations and fully embrace the promise in Isaiah 55:9 that says “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” When we live expectantly, it doesn’t matter if we feel unqualified for the task at hand because we have a deep assurance that God will provide exactly what we need – and whom we need.
A little over a year ago, on April 14, 2022, my son Jessen Bennett Conway was born. Jessen, my maiden name, because he is a part of me. Bennett, which means blessed, because he is the greatest blessing I didn’t realize I needed in my life. Simply stated, I can’t picture life any other way now, and I know my son and I were quite literally a match made in heaven. All along, God’s plans were far greater than my dreams, his gifts far sweeter than my expectations. And in this case, I’m so grateful that things didn’t live up to their expectations.